Self re-inventing challenge #1

I am starting this series to gather my mind around all the topics I have been through in the last 5 years of soul searching. The first topic is about emotions.

I think I have heard the phrase "You are too emotional" at least a million times to say the least. My mom always says " You have to learn to self-control your emotions, " which will be crucial for your well-being. And yet, here I am - I had an outburst in the office the other day, followed by the co-worker leaving the meeting room. He asked me to Calm down before that. Such a saying never calmed anyone, anyway.

Being a highly emotional person is a guarantee for never getting bored. My life feels like riding a rollercoaster, yet a source of ever-lasting joy, connection with beautiful souls and tons of intense experiences.

As much as I love the positive emotions, the negative ones are the ones I experience more often. Especially if you are an overthinker who loves to rethink and relive the moments in hindsight. Sadly, humans are designed to relive only the negative experiences with the same intensity again.

The most dominant emotion I usually fight is anger or fear! They originate from a similar trigger - the feeling you are in danger of ... not being enough "insert an adjective here" ... not having your expectations answered ... to say the 2 most common ones.

Here are few highlights of my emotional journey:

1. After a while I started taking no offence when someone calls me emotional! What a great observation 😃. I appreciate that the majority of people are rather afraid of humans with strong emotions and the need to express them. This makes it impossible for them to see the great value of having such people in their lives. They are rather classified as Drama queens.
2. Understanding what exactly I feel at the very moment is the extremely difficult. Stopping the reaction that it triggers is the mastery. But before all the latter is loving the fact that you are capable to have all these emotions. The key is as the psychologists call it the love and self-acceptance to what you have. So I am beyond the moment of feeling shameful of my emotions and reactions, hopefully close to the moment that I will accept all of them with love.
3. Distinguishing which emotion is mine and which is others until today is quite difficult for me. It impacts how I react to the situation and how I channel the emotion in the most acceptable way. Previously, I could easily be described as a volcano erupting all possible emotions towards the people who are around. Learning not to throw the emotional lid has been a shameful and joyous journey, and really learning to stop is the hardest lesson I have ever had.
4. Emotions and words could lead to miscommunication when not aligned. I have had moments when I am ashamed of what I feel and I could not name it. The person in the conversation could feel it, yet as the words I use might be saying contrary to the emotion felt - this could create both miscommunication and or even lack of trust. Learning to express the feeling that comes with the emotion is still quite difficult for me. This is the perfect recipe for getting in awkward situations. Moreover, this could lead to situations that the person who demonstrates the emotions feels responsible for the reactions of the other party in the conversation - which overcomplicates further the mess in the head.
5. Showing emotions in public, in business is human regardless of company culture is my take on this. Emotions build trust, support connections and ultimately have huge impact on stress and tension between people. Eliminating them is not authentic and could be destructive for the flow of communication.
6. Adding too much emotion to the message could be harmful to its efficient comprehension. It has happened to me that the message becomes impossible to understand as the focus was only on the extra strong emotion I had when I delivered it. Eventually, one could end up in a situation where the emotionally struck messager is the problem, not the real case that is causing the problem. This is a moment that self-control has failed and sadly retreat of it is the only way out of it.

It always adds extra credibility to add a bespoke thought leader to your learnings, so here are a few tips from HBR.

How to Control Your Emotions During a Difficult Conversation

When you’re in the middle of a conflict, it’s common to automatically enter into a “fight or flight” mentality. But it’s possible to interrupt this response and clear a path towards entering into a more productive discussion. Start by taking a deep breath and focusing on your body. Repeat a mantra to yourself such as “This isn’t about me,” “This will pass,” or “This is about the business.” And try to distance yourself from the negative emotion you’re feeling by labeling it: “He is so wrong about that and it’s making me mad becomes I’m having the thought that my coworker is wrong, and I’m feeling anger.” And don’t forget the value of taking a break. The more time you give yourself to process your emotions, the less intense they are likely to be.

Harvard Business ReviewAmy Gallo